i'm doin better...yeah, i talked to marky today, and for like the 5th time, he said that i'm not letting it go. i didn't really want to let it go...but now that he's said it so many times, i know that i need to let it go. i did. i prayed and asked God to take the burden of yurning for him away. so now, i still miss him since i haven't seen him in a while, and i still love him, but i can live without. hopefully it'll die down, because i have a feeling that we won't get back together. *sigh* my hopes were high today, but then i talked to marky, and i got this bad vibe that things weren't gonna work out. that's okay, even though i would like that. hehe, you're gonna think i'm stupid...okay, i thought i could like...well, not win, but get him back by being all nice and pretty and stuff, but i never tried it because i knew he wouldn't fall for it. he can see past your outer appearance and see into how you're really feeling. i don't know how he does it, but that's another reason....that mmm, mmhmm. :-/ gah, i can't say that anymore. okay okay, i'll get over it. yep, hm, i'm gonna change the layout after christmas for my website. i've started playin with paint shop pro for the title thing. it looks neat so far. :-)

today, i was sooo happy in the midst of all this bad/weird stuff happening to me. mm, you can ask me in person if you know me why i'm so happy. actually, i'll tell you. yeah, it has to do with marky...i don't know why i was happy, i just was. i kept thinking about him ALLL day, and yeah, it made me happy. but um, three guys like me that i know of...that's the bad part. *sigh*, oh man, i got scared in 3rd period. i have art, so the tables are big and there's two to a table, so i'm sitting next to this one dude that's in a wheelchair...he's cool and all; well, not really, he's kinda annoying. but anyways, i'm sitting there listening to the girl in front of me tell me something, and oh man, i almost slapped this guy, i coulda swore he touched me leg and was rubbing it. but i don't know if he did...his hands were under the table, anndd, yeah, i knew it wasn't me ahah, sooo...blahhh. i got sooo scared. i didn't know what to do...i froze..yeah, that's what i did. but anyways, i don't want to talk about that anymore. it creeps me out. i don't know if that guy really did though 'cause i could hardly feel it. whatever. i'm prolly lying or something. ahh! *changes subject* anyways, i cant wait to see marky the next time..i see him hehe. i don't know if we'll hang out this weekend or not. i hope so. maybe he'll pick me up tomorrow....:-). *sigh* i still love him so much. i can't describe it. whenever someone asks me how much love him, i can't answer because i get a loss of words. but i don't think i should be saying that...we're broken up. i can't help it. i love him as much as i did before this whole thing. it's been about a month..in a couple days. *sigh*, Nov.25...that was a monday, it would have been a year, but that was our unofficial thing, it would have been 5 months on last sunday...the 8th. i cried both those days.*sigh* i'm gonna go before i start crying again.,..

okay..i'm super excited for the youth webpage i designed...it was super-fun to do. now dean is gonna manage it i think, so yeah. i'm gonna work on my site name design thing too now since i have some time. that's fun. um, here's the link to my youth group webpage.

k, yeah, i'm not over it yet...what i said last time. but yeah, right now, i'm gonna go to a Christmas party thing because kira wanted to go. i was gonna wear my homecoming dress, but like, i realized it was too cold, and plus, i started crying again. so instead, i'm wearing a comfy knit turtle neck thingy with jeans. *aww* there's no place like home. but anywho. i have cramps. yeepp. it's like your body is being crushed all day by some heavy peice of metal machinery that has been in the fire for an hour. ugh, i wish guys knew what we went through for them. bah. hahah...that's kinda funny. yeah, we go through allll this, just so you can have some kids. but of course, i love kids, but like, why can't the guy go through with all the pain. the physical pain anyway. they prolly go through all the emotional pain since we're always mean and pmsing all the time. so nevermind. that's hard to. i wouldn't like me either during that time. whatever. why am i telling you anyway? mmm, yeah..bye *scurries off*

*sigh* this makes me kinda upset....like, when i talk, no one hears me. i know i have a quiet voice and all, but like, it sounds loud enough in my head. but no one ever hears me...i mean, they DO hear me, the just can't hear what i said since i was so quiet. *sigh* it kinda made me cry. i don't know why i had to have a quiet voice. God just made me that way. like, even my closest friends can't hear me all the time. i'm just kinda upset. i had a bad day too. i got a project in english, and everyone in my group wants to take the project of some one from last year that this girl knows that had that class. i tried to tell them no, and tell them why, but they didn't listen. they're the type of people who don't do their work too often. yeah, and also, no one takes me seriously. i don't know why. is it 'cause i'm kinda funny or say wierd things sometimes? c'mon...everyone does. today in history class, this guy asked me what year the panama canal was turned over to the panamanians. and i said, "dec. 31, 1999" so he just sat there. and he's like, "no, really, what's the date?" and i got kinda upset at that. i know it's just a little thing, but it's happened other times. also, no one really thinks i would really do something that is out of my comfort zone. i can't give any examples, but yeah, it goes into the thing that no one (with some exceptions) doesn't take my seriously. ugh. i'm prolly blowing this totally out of proportion, but that's what i feel. i'm prolly depressed or something. i dunno. hhehe. but yeah, it was making me kinda upset. also, i hate whenever people judge me on how i look...'cause ya'll know that i'm 16, but i look like i could be 13 or someting, so everyone has this idea that i'm little miss perfect and i'm good at everything, which is totally bogus. i don't mind when i know they're joking or something, but when they judge me on my looks...i hate it. grr, anyway, i would put a comments thing at the end, but i don't know how, other wise you can email me at meggieanne@earthlink.net. you're gonna hafta copy and paste that to your email service 'cause i'm not in the mood to do html. till next time...

I'm sooo happy, and yet so sad. I learned what good qualities are about me. My youth group friends told me at the study. I was kinda embarrassed about it but don't know why, but I was. I guess I have the gift of teaching or something. They said that I have a sense of humor to go along with it. That's good for a teacher. Now, I wouldn't know what I'd want to teach at all. Maybe English. Perhaps photography? I don't know. I love photography and writing stuff. It's a passion of mine. I always wanted to take pictures¡Kthey capture moments in time and save it forever. All pictures have some type of impact. It's neat. I want to publish my pictures in some type of magazine or periodical. That would be fun. For like a Christian magazine and stuff. I would love it. I'd get to travel and stuff. I like traveling. I just wouldn't want to go as far as another overseas country like Europe or something. Well, I would for a couple weeks, but not just for taking pictures, like for a vacation with my future family. That would be neat. I want to go to Europe. Like, Germany, or France, or Ireland, or Switzerland, or Russia. I'd like that. A lot. I'd want to go on a cruise for my honeymoon though. A cruise to the Caribbean or to Alaska. *sigh* I'd like that lots. But right now, I'd like to go on my honeymoon with one very special person in particular. We're not dating any more though. We may in the future. We just wanted to break for a little while to get closer to God. We were taking eachother away from Him. But yeah, anyway, I'd want to marry him..at least that's what I'm thinking right now. He's just so awesome in every way. You guys have no idea. I love this guy sooo much. Yeah, that's why I'm sad. I love him, yet we're not together anymore. No seriously, I love him. Not just "ooo, I have a crush on youuuu.", it's true love. I don't think it ever dies out. But I hope it does if he isn't the one for me. I don't want to go against God's will. I've done that before. I take it God hates when I do that hehe. But anyway, I was just gonna say that I know my perfect guy out there is gonna be better than anyone else. For right now, that's Marky. I hope that never changes, but as I said before, if he's not the one..or a compatible one for me, then no¡KI won¡¦t marry him. I'll just be best friends with him. but yeah, I liked today bible study at night church. It was awesome! Hehe

ah! i think i sent an email that i shouldn't have sent to marky...i felt bad the whole day. he hasn't responded to it yet, so i don't know what he's thinking about rightnow. maybe he had karate or something..i dunno, email me, or sign my guestbook at posted by megan at Monday, December 02, 2002

k, it's like 6.45 in the morning. it's the end of the 4 day weekend. i'm tired. i have to go to school. this sucks. buuuut, let's be optimistic...k, it's a new day, i just had my 4 day weekend, and although i'm tired, i'll go to school today and make the best out of it...bah. i liked the first one better. yesterday, my boyfr......um, marky picked me up after church, and we went to knowlwoods (a restaurant if you didn't know), and we ate..and thennn we went to this party. a house-warming party. it was kinda boring, but i had people there to talk to. then marky and i went back to his house. i fell asleep on the couch, and then we left to go to church. that's yesterday for ya. mm, on thursday, it was thanksgiving, i went to my grandparents house to eat. it was alright. it's not like i would do it again. hehe. um, on friday...i was on the computer for...like 10 straight hours. jk, but it was longer than most internet freaks. then on saturday i went to my friends house and spent the night. it was fun....

Friday, November 29, 2002

you guys, you have no idea how much i miss marky. i still love him as much as i did before..it's even been two weeks since we broke up. i'm really sad. BUT, i was happy when i called him today :-). he sounded really happy like he always sounds on the phone, and like, we were just talking about lots of stuff for the few minutes we were talking. he was bowling, so we didn't talk that much. dude, it was awful, the other day i thought i was over it, but then i realized that i was pretending that i didn't love him anymore. but i lied to myself..again. it's amazing how the mind can manipulate the same mind *ponders*. anywho, yeah, i was sitting at the computer working on my site (like i always am), and like i thought about him, and wondered if he still thinks about me, and then i thought about how much i DO love him, and i started crying. i hadn't cried in like a week, but i did. i just miss him so much. i miss everything about him. you don't understand. EVERYTHING. of course, i miss the kisses, and holding hands, but i mean, all the other stuff about him and he opened up about just to me. he's awesome. he still is. he will always be...even if i get married to some other guy, he will always be awesome. i'm gonna invite him everywhere with my future family if it's not with him. hehe. he's my best guy-friend. but anyways, i changed the layout on my site...you can take a look :-)

Tuesday, November 26, 2002

i hate sand. it's so....sandy. but you're not sandy...and that is why i love you. HAHAHAHA! oh man, that's the funniest spoof i've ever seen of star wars. i would give the link, but i can't get to the site 'casue it's being mean to me. ya know the seen in star wars 2 where anakin and padme are standing outside? yeah, he's like, "i hate the sand, it's so dry and course, but not like you...soft...." yeah something like that. but yeah, whenever i see that movie i can't help but laugh, becasue i think of the "but you're not sandy" thing. hahaha. ...*ahem*

Monday, November 25, 2002

i think i'm getting better at this breaking up business. i dunno, i was with him for sooo long, so it was really hard on me and stuff. it still is, but at least i'm not angry or very depressed anymore. gah. i don't like this at all. guys are dumb. ...most of them. *ponder*. *exhales*, anyway, i'm gonna talk bout something else that would be good. hmmmm, i updated my website again. it's lookin' neat. i'm prolly gonna make a new website though to add on to that one, because i'm running out of space in that account, and i'm cheap, so i want to make another one without having to pay any money or anything. hehe. dude, i just got depressed again. i'm prolly writing this for nothing. i mean, i doubt anyone comes to this site...or MY site at all...except my friends and what not. but i dunno, i'm doing this so others can see who i am and stuff, but i don't even think anyone comes. welll, if you DO come, then you can sign my tagboard in my beliefs and opinions section. i gotta go do somemore updating..bye!

Friday, November 22, 2002

i’m depressed right now. oh man. well, not literally, but i’m VERY sad. *sigh* me and my boyfriend broke up on sunday; we both decided to do this. but now it’s just hitting me that we did. it’ll almost be a week in two more days that we’ve been apart. but today i was talking to him online, and like, he was asking me about everything that i would want back....like my jacket (i could really care less about that), and then he asked about the ring he “stole” from me this one time about 5 or 6 months ago. he asked if i wanted it back. i said no. i wanted him to keep it. then...i started crying. ‘cause i still love him sooo much. i don’t think he even realizes it. but i do. i hope he knows. but yeah, so anyway, i just started crying like there was no tomorrow. i told him and then he kinda got sad...i couldn’t really tell since it was online and all. but i remember that he said jokingly, “the day i take off your ring is the day i break up with you.” and then he took it back because we were always talking about getting married and all. we had practically planned our future. the type of house we’d live in, our kids’ names, our dog...everything. and then...this happened. i pray that we will get back together. one of the reasons was because our walk with God was getting a little strained and stuff, so we decided that this would be good. *sigh* i mean, i reallly rreallllly want to get closer to God, and i have been during these last couple days. but um, i miss him so much. it’s hard because he’s given me spur of the moment types of things, like roses, and his baby blanket (which i’m cuddling right now), and like every time i see it, i think of him. i don’t want to put it all somewhere else, because it’s been there for the past year, and i have good memories. like for christmas, he gave me and box. this glass box with a mirror on the bottom, it had dried flowers stuck between two peices of glass on each side. it’s sooo gorgeous. and the inside, there was a golden necklace. it’s a sun. he calls me sunshine. and then for valentines he tried to send me some flowers at school, but it didn’t work out, so he came all the way from fullerton (he was even on the way to something) and he brought me three red long-stemmed roses. you shoulda seen the smile on his face when he did both those things. then i’d give him a whole mess of notes, emails, my ring, my bear, and some other stuff, oh yeah, candles, picture frames, and yeah.

anyway, i was very sad today. we watched spider man in first period and i cried at the slightest thing because i could sympathize with the character. i dunno, maybe me and marky will get back together a little later...maybe in a couple months or weeks, or....years; if we’re still connecting. but whenever this weird thing happens between me and him (because it’s happened like 3 or 4 other times), i just love him more. i don’t know how, but i do. i’m just like, wow, even if he’s far away from me, i still feel very close to him no matter what. i mean, i’m always gonna love him no matter what. but it might just be sisterly love and such. but i’m praying that it could be some romantic love in there somewhere. ’cause that’s what i’m feeling right now. i don’t know if it’ll go away in a year. or even two. ...i just love him to pieces. he’s an awesome guy, even with the frustrating stuff sometimes. so whoever reads this can be praying for me, k? okay. *tears*...i love you, marky.

Saturday, November 16, 2002

hey peeps. today has been a really lazy day. i hardly did anything except homework and work on my site, but i was pretty fun and stuff. i was gonna go to my boyfriends house, but he had to do something. see, i was gonna go with him to go hang out with my friend that lives at the place he was going, but she wasn't there, she was with her "bf". it's okay though. i'm gonna miss him tons though. oh man, i have lots of homework. i hate this. my teachers decide to conspire against me and give me projects all on the same day and are due like in the same week. bah. this is impossible. i can't wait till next year. i'll have all my SAT tests out of the way and i'll be a senior. woohoo! whatever, it's prolly not as neat as it sounds. after all, you get senioritis and what not. and plus you gotta register for colleges and applying to everything in the whole united states. this is madness. why does life has to be tough. i know why, 'cause adam and eve made it that way. i'm not blaming it all on them actually, 'cause somebody would have messed up along the way anyhow. but that'd be awesome we were, right now, living with Christ forever with him in all his glory. that'd be awesome. but nope, we have to die first. not that i want to die right now...i still want to get married and have kids and all the stuff, but i know i'd be happier if He took me home. oh yeah, and the rapture. God is awesome. He'll take care of us no matter what. even if we mess up, which we WILL. it's impossible to not mess up, it's our nature. but we're not supposed to give in to it. we're supposed to conquer it with Christ's help.